Guilted and Faded
by 13EvansNoodle
Summary: Jennalee Donner is still haunted by the memory of what she did, or rather didn't, do when her little sister went into the Hunger Games. But two years later, she finds a way to redeem herself. She volunteers to be the District Twelve Tribute in the 74th Annual Hunger Games.


**So, this is just a random idea that I decided to write, can't promise updates as I'm in exams, but I'll do my best. Hope that you all like it, please leave a review and tell me what you think :)**

Chapter 1: Redemption

Jennalee Donner tried to force a smile onto her face as she handed the small packet to her customer, "Here you are, have a nice day."

An empty half-smile and slow nod was all that she received in return, as the parent walked away with what might be their child's last packet of sweets. She didn't blame them, and pretty soon, her own smile had slipped from her face.

'Have a nice day'. It might be the standard thing to say to someone as they were leaving the store, but only on any other day but this one. Today, it sounded false, empty, and nothing more than a thin veil of courtesy upon what everyone knew was a death day. Reaping Day. How could that be 'nice'? Sure, for most families there might be celebration that their child had survived without having their name pulled out of the Reaping ball. But in two homes somewhere in the District there would be no laughter, just silence, and the weight of what was to come over the next weeks. The knowledge that no matter how hard you prayed, your child wasn't going to come home.

That was just how it was in District Twelve. We had only one Victor to show for 73 years of Games, and she doubted that the 74th Games would bring home a very different result. Still, the families prayed, no matter how hopeless. She certainly had, two years ago...

"Jennalee, you should start getting ready."

She jumped at the feel of a firm hand on her shoulder, jerking her out of her thoughts, and she spun around to face her brother. At 22 years of age, Patrick didn't have to get ready in the same way she did, he was no longer in the running to become a Tribute. He was safe. She had just one more year to go before she became ineligible, and then only her cousin, Madge, would be in the running out of her family.

"Jennalee?"

Patrick waved a hand in front of her face, and she jumped again. Zoning out was a common thing for her on Reaping Day, there was so much to think about, and she didn't want to focus on the present.

"Hmm, sorry?"

"Let me take over," he said gently; turning her and giving her a light nudge towards the stairs, "You've left it kind of late, you have to get dressed properly."

"Where's dad?" she asked; regretting the question as soon as it slipped out.

Patrick tensed, "You know where."

Jennalee winced slightly at his harsh tone, but it was her own fault, she'd brought up somethign that was painful for all of them. Without further discussion, she let him push her to the stairs, and began to climb them with the memories dragging her down. In her mind's eye, she could see her father sitting up on the roof, where he always sat the morning of a Reaping. The spot that he and his sister's had occupied, before Maysilee had been Reaped. And the spot that he'd continued to occupy after her death in the Quarter Quell, and after the death of his own daughter in the 72nd Hunger Games.

_Cora_.

The thought was like a lance of pain right to her chest, and Jennalee had to pause on the steps for a moment, while a memory played in her head. This very day, but two years ago. She could hear a melodic laugh, and the sound of running feet, then she saw her. Cora, her little sister, just 12 years old, and excited about getting to put on her first Reaping dress, not yet comprehending what it would mean.

Everyone in the Donner family had the standard merchant look; pale skin, blonde hair, blue eyes. But despite that, Jennalee swore to this day that her sister had possessed the blondest hair and brightest eyes out of all of them, before her life had been cut so horribly short.

It was amazing, how just one moment can alter your entire existence. She remembered the moment that hers was put on its current course, and she wished every day that she could go back and change it.

"Jennalee? Is that you?"

The sound of her mother's voice was the welcome jolt out of her memories, and Jennalee took the last few stairs two at a time.

"Yeah, what is it, mum?"

"Come in here, darling," her mother called; her voice drifting from the bedroom she shared with her husband.

Jennalee walked down to the end of the hall, and poked her head into the room. Her mother sat on the bed, surrounded by what might be the entire contents of her wardrobe. Jennalee marvelled, as she always did, at the way her mother just seemed to have such a calm presence wherever she was. Caitlin Donner was a very petite and slim woman, who managed to look many years younger than her true age of 44. At first glance, you might think that she was in her early 30s still, if that, but a second glance showed something else. The wisps of grey in her blonde hair, the fine lines at the corners of her blue eyes, the sad look which she tried so hard to hide.

Reaping Day was hard for her, she might not have lost two people to the Games, as her husband had done, but the loss of one's 12 year old child was not somethign that one recovered from within the space of just two years.

Still, Caitlin Donner had a smile for her youngest living child, and she gestured to the dresses spread out around her.

"It's your last Reaping, I thought you might like to wear something a little more special than just your old blue dress."

Jennalee's eyes widened, and she looked from the clothes, to her mother, and back again.

"Are- are you sure?"

"Of course," Caitlin assured, "Would you like me to run your bath?"

"I had one already," she replied with a small headshake, her eyes drifted over the clothes.

Most of them, her mother had made herself, and Jennalee had always envied her talent. She went over and over the clothes with her eyes, sometimes reaching out to touch a gown, before letting her hands fall back to her sides. Still, her mind kept going back to one in particular. It was only simple, the hem reaching to the knee, with long, flowing, sleeves that would hide her hand, made in a pale green material that she'd always loved.

It was her mother's favourite though, and Caitlin normally wore it to the Reapings herself.

"You want this one," Caitlin reached out and picked up the green dress, "I've seen you look at it half a dozen times more than the others."

"Don't you normally wear it?" she inquired; a hand reaching out to stroke the fabric nevertheless.

"It's your final Reaping," Caitlin repeated holding it out firmly, "Wear it, I want you to."

Jennalee took the dress from her mother with a smile, and then ducked into her parents' bathroom to get changed. She'd been trying the dress on since she'd been a little girl, but it had never really fit her until last year, and her mother wasn't exactly a tall woman. After doubling her hands back around her back to do up the buttons, Jennalee smoothed down the skirt and looked at herself in the mirror.

Not for the first time, she wished she could have just a bit more of the Seam look. With their dark hair, grey eyes, and olive skin; they at least had colouring. But her? She was just blonde, blue eyed, and pale. Sometimes she looked at herself and all of her features just blurred together.

Still, it was the Reaping, and not a fashion contest. Everyone had to dress up nice, but no one really cared. It was a unanimous thought across the District, everyone just wanted it to be over.

"How does it look?" she asked; stepping out of the bathroom, still keeping her eyes down and fiddling with her hands.

"Oh my, my little girl's all grown up."

Her head jerked up, and she saw that in her brief absence, her mother had been joined by her father. He was looking at her with a smile on his face, but it was the sad kind, and something in his eyes seemed to spark of memory. He didn't have to say anything, and Jennalee was truly glad that he didn't. Both she and Madge had been told that they favoured their dead aunt, and it wasn't pleasant to see the ghosts of memories on her father's face every Reaping.

"Thanks, dad," she replied; walking over and wrapping her arms tight around his waist.

Jacob Donner held his daughter tightly, and didn't want to let her go. He'd lost a sister and a daughter to these Games, and he wasn't prepared to lose someone else. He tried to console himself with the thought that Jennalee only had six entries, but it did little. Maysilee had had only five, and Cora...she'd had just the one.

He gave her a kiss on the top of her head, then pulled away gently, "Good luck."

Jennalee smiled, "Thank you."

"Now," Caitlin came up and played with the ends of Jennalee's hair, "Let's see about putting this dead straight mop into some kind of style."

Jacob checked the clock mounted on the wall, "We should probably head out to the square."

Jennalee swallowed heavily, it was nearly time. It was silly to be nervous, it wasn't fair either, considering so many others had their names in so many more times than her, but that didn't stop the slightly freaking out that her brain went through.

About an hour later, standing with the other 18 year old girls in the square of District Twelve, Jennalee's nerves still hadn't gone down all that much. When her family had arrived, she'd barely had time to give Madge a brief hug, before being shuffled off to her designated area. Now that her uncle's speech was over, the Reaping would begin.

Twelve's escort, the woman found annoying all over the District, was a Capitol woman called Effie Trinket. As if her name wasn't bad enough, Jennalee sometimes wondered if the woman even looked in a mirror before stepping out of the house. She tottered her way up to the podium after Mayer Undersee took his seat next to District Twelve's only Victor, the perpetually drunk Haymitch Abernathy.

"Ladies first," she trills into the microphone.

Jennalee winces, and tries not to cover her ears. From the corner of her eye, she can see her boyfriend's face in the 18 year old guy's section. He catches her eye, and makes an overdone wincing face, causing Jennalee to stifle a giggle, and put on a suitably sombre expression after being shot a warning glance from a Peacekeeper.

Watching Effie's hand as it flits around inside the girls' Reaping ball, all Jennalee can think about is that it looks like a pick-tipped talon. Finally, she snags out one name, and wobbles her way back to the microphone, unfolding the little slip as she goes.

"Primrose Everdeen."

The entire crowd seems frozen, and Jennalee joins the heads who all turn to look at the 12 year olds' pen. Lots of people in the District knew Prim, either by her goat's cheese, or her smile, or just the presence of the bright little girl going around town. There was always sadness when a 12 year old was drawn, but sometimes there's even more. Jennalee starts to shake, as she sees another Reaping, with another 12 year old.

"_Cora Donner."_

_A bolt of shock went through Jennalee, as she stood in the 16 year olds' pen. No, she must have heard wrong, that can't have been her little sister's name. But it was, and after a few nudges, Cora was stepping forwards. Even for a 12 year old she was small, but walking up the stairs to take the stage, she seemed to be even smaller. _

_Her panicked gaze found Jennalee's own, and even at the distance she was, Jennalee saw tears trickling down her sister's face. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, this couldn't be happening. But it was, and all she did was stand there. As Effie called out the boy Tribute, as they were escorted to the Justice Building, as the world watch and silence yawned. She did nothing._

Dimly, Jennalee heard shouting going on, but she was caught up in her own thoughts. That had been the defining moment in her life, the time when she had just stayed silent, and let her little sister go into the arena which would mean her death. Some things haunt you forever, and that day had kept Jennalee from sleep most nights in the year. And here was another young girl, scared, and no doubt finding it hard to believe that this was-

"I VOLUNTEER! I volunteer as Tribute!"

Heads snapped around once again, and she saw Katniss Everdeen standing in the cleared corridor up to the stage. Prim's older sister. Waves of guilt coursed through Jennalee, as she watched the Seam girl reach out to hug her sister on her own way to the stage. Guilt. Guilt and anger. Anger at herself. Her was another girl, the same age as Jennalee had been, doing what she could not.

For years she'd wondered if she'd ever be able to free herself from the nightmare that was her guilted memories, and here it stood before her.

She didn't think twice, in fact, she wasn't sure that she even thought. Within what seemed like seconds, she had pressed forward and stepped over the string keeping the kids penned up.

"I volunteer!" she called out.

Silence answered her cry, and if the District had been shocked before, they were shocked again now. Jennalee wasn't sure that it was even allowed, to volunteer for a volunteer, and from the confused looks on stage, they weren't sure either. It was a nonexistent occurrence enough to have _a_ volunteer in the outlying Districts, let alone two at once.

Even if it wasn't, Jennalee kept her head high, and walked towards the stage, hoping that she was only imagining the shaking she felt. Katniss had only been at the bottom of the stairs, when she had paused, with one foot on the first step. Jennalee's gaze locked with hers briefly, and she saw that Katniss was as shocked as anyone else. The younger girl wasn't sure if she was to step down or not.

"Just let her up," the mayor said.

Jennalee felt a small stab at her uncle's voice, and she kept her eyes down as she mounted the stairs, pushing past Katniss. She didn't want to look at her family, she didn't want to see what kind of expression might be on their faces.

"Oh, well, this is a little unprecedented," Effie said; but she recovered her calm quickly, and all but shoved the microphone at Jennalee, "So, what's your name?"

Jennalee had to wet her lips before she could answer, "Jennalee Donner."

She did look up then, and her eyes gravitated at once where she hadn't wanted them to. Her father stood stunned, pain clear on his face, and tears already in his eyes. Jennalee swallowed hard, and forced herself to look away. In the speed of the moment she'd forgotten all that he'd lost to these Games, and that this would mean he'd lose even more. Her family...would they break at another loss?

What had she done.


End file.
